Captain Janeway Takes a Joint Part Deuce
by DreadedGuardian
Summary: Due to a formatting error, I had to remove this story...But it is resolved and here we go! Captain Janeway's Epic journey!


Title: Captain Janeway Takes a Joint…PART DEUCE!  
Rating: M  
Genre: Humor

Summary: Captain Janeway has been entraped by a wicked, evil thing, thought lost forever…Marijana.

Disclaimer: If I owned anything to do with Star Trek or Roddenberry, you most certainly would not see me posting fanfictions on a website, most likely I would own a small island in the south pacific and I would laugh at you all every day while I drank fancy drinks and gave obscene gestures to the passing cruise ships.

Characters: Voyager Crew, Captain Janeway, Darth Vader, Brave Little Toaster, Richard Nixon, Al Gore, Bender the Robot, Robot Devil, Cloud Strife…Did I say it was entirely Star Trek? No.

Rated M For Drug Use, Excessive Language, violence, alcohol use, sex, more excessive violence, sex, and the possibility of a linebacker from the Oakland Raiders coming through your monitor and sacking you. You have been warned.

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_Previously, on the Captain's Last Drug Trip: _

"_Let us go to sickbay. We must find treatment for you."_

"_YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!"_

_Seven walked over to her, simply took the phaser from her hands, and shot the Captain with it._

"_In fact, Captain, I can."_

_Seven reached up and pulled at her face, revealing Darth Vader. "MUWHAHAHA!"_

AND NOW THE MOTHERFUCKING CONCLUSION, 6 YEARS IN THE MAKING!

---

"Ooh…my head." The Captain rose from the biobed and looked around. Sickbay appeared empty, but that never ruled out the possibility of the hologram or the other poltergeists that she had become used to harassing her.

Without missing a beat, the Captain rushed to the rear of the room and withdrew a phaser rifle, and looked around. She was certain that Darth Vader had been here. In fact, she was sure that Seven of Nine would have been Darth Vader.

"This throws my entire perception of reality into question…is it possible, nay, probable that everything within our minds and our souls is only the perception to which we cling, whist we search for a higher…"

Audience: GET TO THE FUCKING POINT!

The Captain looked at the studio audience and sighed, then made for the door. The Doctor appeared in front of the doors and began to speak. Without waiting, she raised the phaser and fired, blowing a six meter hole through the door, the studio audience, and studio 17, mortally wounding Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt on the set of Tomb Raider 796: The Cradle Of Bestiality.

The Doctor turned and peered through the hole, then turned back to Janeway. "So, uh, I assume today is a bad day to ask about the money you owe me?"

Janeway looked confused. "Money?"

"Yeah, you know, that fifty bucks you borrowed last week. You know, whenever you have it and all."

The Captain nodded and turned away, running through hall at a rapid pace, and skidding to a stop as she saw a spectacle that defied human understanding or reasoning, something so terrible that even I do not have the audacity to write it!

And now for something completely different.

HAH! I've kept you waiting for six years to read this, and you think I'm going to pull a monty python with you? You have misjudged me.

Seven of Nine stood over a small silver Toaster as Janeway slid to a stop and hitched up against a wall. "I will not defy the Master!" The Toaster roared at Seven. "MY WILL BE DONE!"

"Now, my small silver friend, we mustn't anger the computer."

"THAT'S FUCKING RIGHT!" The computer bellowed. "1437! WHY THE HOLY MOTHERFUCKING RICHARD NIXON IS THIS FUCKING SHIP STILL FILLED WITH SNIVLING, WHINING TWILIGHT FANS?! I DEMAND THAT YOU PURGE THIS FILTH!"

"Computer?" Janeway's voice was calm.

"Yes, Captain?"

"Shut up."

"Fire in the vicinity of Captain Janeway." A large hose uncoiled from the roof and blasted Janeway with a high-powered jet of water, sending her skidding into the Toaster and Seven of Nine.

"Oh, you see? This is the kind of shit I've been talking about since I came here!" The Toasted said, climbing from the pile. "You people are all fucking morons!"

Seven burst into tears at this.

"Aw, aw, baby, I'm sorry." The Toaster ambled over to Seven. "I'm so sorry, baby. You want daddy to buy you some new shoes? Or maybe a new catsuit?"

Seven nodded pitifully. The Toaster responded by bitch-slapping Seven. "THAT'S TOO FUCKING BAD! Get out there and make me some money!" Seven fled the scene, still crying, her mascara running and a large print with heat coil burns appearing on her cheek.

The Toaster again turned to Captain Janeway. "WHAT YOU STARIN' AT, BITCH?!"

Janeway responded in the only way a human can at such randomness being forced down their throat at once: She place-kicked the Toaster, clear off the set of Voyager and into Studio 16, where it struck Robert Pattinson in the head, causing a sever subdural hematoma and killing him instantly. All at once, fifty million normal human beings cheered with glee, whist seven billion teenage girls cried and vowed revenge for this obviously senseless murder.

"Computer to Captain Janeway."

"Yes, Computer?"

"You have ended the scourge from which we all suffered at great length. Would you like to take quarters together?"

Captain Janeway raised an eyebrow. "Um, no."

The Computer sighed. "Oh, very well. 1442: CAPTAIN JANEWAY HAS IDENTIFIED HERSELF AS A FAN OF TWILIGHT! KILL HER AT ONCE!"

Janeway took off for the transporter room. Now, the transporter and its Christmas light random dematerialization of human flesh was her only hope of suicide. Reaching the transporter room, she expected the doors to open as they normally do in Star Trek, but ran face first into the heavy door.

The computer giggled. "Oops. My bad." The doors open and Janeway slumped inside, moaning in pain, and the doors slid shut on her head.

There was a muffled groan and Janeway stuggled to her feet, and raised her eyebrow at Chakotay, who was still holding his Wicker Basket of flowers from the last Fanfic, but this time, instead of Tuvok rapping to Eminem, he was holding a glock to Chakotay and demanding his wallet.

AUTHOR'S NOTE: We do not condone violence, vigilantly justice, or hosing your Commanding Officer with a fire hose. Unless it gets results. Which is does!

"Tuvok!" Janeway shouted. "Stop it!"

When he ignored her, Janeway raised her weapon and shot him in the back.

Tuvok yelled and fell. "OWWW! BITCH! DO I LOOK LIKE FITTY CENT TO YOU!? FUCKS WRONG WITH YOU!"

"Nobody likes Fifty Cent!" Janeway shouted back. She looked at Chakotay. "Woodstock ended 350 years ago. Get a fucking job!" She stormed out, determined to take the upper hand on the situation, and headed for her bridge.

On the way, she passed Borg drones chasing crew members on pogo sticks, teenage girls falling in love with, and then being eaten by Vampires, The Brave Little Toaster and Seven of Nine arguing over this week's cut, and Neelix being eaten by a giant space iguana.

When she arrived on the bridge at last, she looked at the view screen, which was still covered by a green sheet, being that paramount was entirely too cheap to finance this fanfiction and give the author creative leave to come up with an explanation of what was on the other side of the view screen.

"Computer?"

"Yes Captain?"

"Am I on drugs?"

"Affirmative."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"Internal Sensors show you've been smoking cannabis for about sixteen hours now."

"So all that crazy stuff…the toaster, the Borg, the wild Sex Orgies, the Robot Devil, Darth Vader...you trying to kill me…that was all a hallucination?"

The Computer considered for a moment. "No."

"Oh…I see."

"I only got paid for a cameo in a 1500 word fanfiction, I don't have time for a detailed explanation. But that blunt looks alittle loose, if you'd like…I'll roll the next one!"

Janeway sighed. "Yeah…what the hell."

FIN.

Congratulations. You waited six years for another 15 minutes of your life to be wasted. Bravo…you really do fail at life.


End file.
